Welcome back BIIHers and fans across the world. The best beer league in the world wrapped up October with a weekend so sick, it was criminal. In an unlawful assembly of debauchery, BIIHers took to the streets of Beijing for the annual Halloween pub crawl Saturday night then dragged themselves to Aozhong Sunday night. I witnessed a lot of crimes this weekend, and I am laying down the law. The BIIH criminal justice system is represented by the All Seeing Puck as the one who investigates the crimes, and the All Seeing Puck who prosecutes the offenders. These are my stories…
Case (no.1) Hot Wings v. Expos 2024 BIIH 1027
The Hot Wings came out stealing a quick goal on the Expos from Michael Peng. Despite being caught red-handed drinking something other than ginger ale at the Pub Crawl…Hot Wings Captains managed to score one from Tiger to Liam with a tip that is a crime against goalies everywhere. The Expos answered with a goal from Richie so beautiful it could be considered grand larceny. Liam then bangs one in top shelf and it’s 3-1 for the Hot Wings at the half. In the second half, we see Michael Diener making his case for Rookie of the Year with 2 goals and four assists. Richie gets a penalty for tripping Tiger and tries to appeal it, while Tiger objects to his penalty a short while after. Both teams’ Captains are guilty of criminal mischief for always questioning the refs…Charlie picks up a couple for the Expos and we get one from Zoe for the Hot Wings. It’s a close one with Ames courting one from Charlie toward the end of the game…but ultimately the verdict is in, it is 6-4 in favour of the Hot Wings. The Expos had an arrest warrant out for Jussi Torkkeli for the first 2 months of the season, but he finally appeared in court and made his BIIH debut, vacating his charge. The Puck rules several players were GUILTY of playing under the influence with a sentence of mandatory hydration. Moose is NOT GUILTY of goalie fraud, while Liam is GUILTY of identity theft and false impersonation for his Pub Crawl costume of Coach Larry, who was not present to defend himself in court…
Case (no.2) Oilers v. Revs 2024 BIIH 1027
The Oilers started this one like they just got out of the slammer with a quick one by Scott-K from Bird. Rev’s rebuttal comes from Maradona from Mikko. Filly then goes to the box for aggravated hip-checking and Oilers get one for unlawful assembly of too many men on the ice. Rev’s Thomas Xu gets one from Maradona and then Oilers net three quick ones from Justus, Tilo and Alexandre Ouellet in a grotesque display of rapid scoring misconduct and it’s 5-2 at the half. Lintai gets two minutes for reckless pathfinding to the net and Tilo picks up another unassisted. Shaogang Shi steals one with an assist from Lintai and it’s 10-2 for the Oilers. The Revs try to commit attempted comeback conspiracy with some last minute goals from Taylor Kelly and Chesh but ultimately the ruling is in favour of the Revs at 10 to 4. The Puck rules, Oilers are GUILTY of underdog uprising and Taylor Kelly is charged with the public offence of over the top celebration causing a major disturbance with his outrageous celly…
Case (no.3) Bulls v. Warriors 2024 BIIH 1027
Howie right off the bat with intentional leg entanglement and he’s sent to the box for his first BIIH offence ever. His rehabilitation was quick as he was back on the ice with a goal assisted by Kusy and Savitch. Savitch then steals his own assisted by Kusy and Noah. Georgie hits a slapper from the blue line and then is GUILTY of slapshot addiction, taking a slapshot every time he touches the puck thereon after… he is sentenced to a serious puck intervention. The Warriors steal with an exhibit A goal from Pavel. Commish is negligent in puck handling when he missed a beautiful pass from the point, Cuttsy pays Commish’s restitution with a goal a few minutes later. We have Baker from Kusy and the Warriors take a quick recess with Pavel unassisted immediately following and it’s 6-2 at the half. The Bulls continue to monopolize puck possession heading into the second half but the Warriors are convicted of tenacity as they fought on. We witness another from Pavel for the hatty and one from Neil the Deal. This one’s verdict is 9-4 in favour of the Bulls. The Puck rules, Kusy is GUILTY of unlawful distribution of scoring opportunities and aiding and abetting. Noah is GUILTY of repeated failure to capitalize as he could not score if he was in a brothel in Bangkok…
Case (no.4) Phantoms v. Bears 2024 1027
The defendants (Bears) did not show up to their scheduled court appearance as their Captain was incarcerated for indecent exposure due to his Halloween Pub Crawl outfit. Puck rules in favour of the Phantoms.
Case (no.5) BIIH v. Parking Lot (also referred to as Parking Zone) 2024 1027
Last but not least, we have the landmark case, the only case that sets legal BIIH precedents and can lead to major changes in BIIH law or interpretation, BIIH v. Parking Lot. All that fail to appear in the Lot are straight to jail. September 27, 2024 started out in the dressing room as Rink Guy also failed to appear for his court mandated community service and did not evict BIIHers. Ames was GUILTY of disturbing the peace with excessive noise in the form of animals. BIIHers spent the night in deep deliberations, recalling testimony and showing photo evidence from the Halloween Pub Crawl. The case eventually changed venues when the dressing room was deemed an unfair advantage due to it’s warm conditions…also they wanted to witness a sprint. Guillaume and Cuttsy took to the tarmac to sprint and Gmoney was GUILTY of preemptive boasting followed by significant defeat. Puck rules in favour of Cuttsy. After several hours of testimonies, photo evidence, and closing arguments the Bulls, Revs and Expos co-defended the case against the Parking Lot and took home a hefty settlement in the form of a badly beaten up trophy, which is currently suing several BIIHers for damages and bodily harm…
You won’t win the Parking Lot next week…
– The All Seeing Puck
