Welcome back BIIHers, bon retour, Hosers, and hey y’all Yanks. We just wrapped up another week of beer-soaked, penalty-ridden, no-backcheck-having hockey so intense, it made the first nine seconds of Canada vs. USA in the Four Nations prelims look like a polite handshake line at the World Juniors. But this week? Oh, we’re kicking it up a notch. In honour of the Four Nations Face-Off Final, everyone in this league is either a syrup-sipping, passive-aggressive, “ah well, good effort” Canadian or a loud, red-meat-devouring, “hell yeah, that’s a good hit” Merican. And with that, we lean into the sweaty, half-true stereotypes that fuel this beautiful disaster of a hockey rivalry. If you were rocking the red and white, you were out there playing dump-and-chase like it was a religious experience, refusing to shoot unless the play was “right,” and somehow finding time to tell everyone about the 2010 Olympics like it just happened yesterday. You also made sure everyone knew you thought this rink’s beer selection is a goddamn travesty and that “Molson is just built different.” If you were draped in stars and stripes, you were screaming ‘SEND IT’ on every breakout, shooting from everywhere including your own blue line, and letting your goalie fend for himself because backchecking is a “personal choice.” You also spent the entire third period blaming the ref for things completely unrelated to the game and slammed a triple bacon cheeseburger in the parking lot while revving your truck for absolutely no reason. Somewhere in the middle of all this, hockey games were actually played. So grab your Tim’s, your burnt truck stop coffee, or whatever overpriced caffeine bomb keeps you functioning, because this week’s recap is coming in hotter than an American on spring break trying to shotgun a beer and failing miserably….

Game #1: Revs vs. Bulls – A Border War on Ice: The Revs came out hotter than an American tourist discovering poutine for the first time, with Will burying one from Mikko and Wei Lei. But if there’s one thing the Bulls don’t do, it’s panic (or backcheck, but that’s beside the point). Kyosti answered immediately, burying a beauty from Kusy to even things up. The Revs kept the pressure on, Victor Wong snapping one home from Filly, but the Bulls responded with an absolute meat-and-potatoes goal from Kusy, set up by Howie and Noah. Taboner cashed in from Savitch and Commish (sources say this goal was scored while shouting “‘MURICA” at full volume). Kyosti struck again, slamming another home from Kusy. Will reminded everyone that he wasn’t done, finding twine off a dish from Victor. Revs captain Chesh entered the chat, ripping one from Wei Lei. Moose then buried one from Dima. Taboner answered AGAIN, from Savitch and then Peebles snuck one in from Dima. By the time the final horn blew, we were tied at six, and it was time for a shootout, hockey’s most controversial, beer-league-debated way to end a game. Mikko stepped up, buried his chance, and that was all she wrote. Revs take it in the shootout. The Bulls were heard loudly protesting, but the Revs celebrated in the most Canadian way possible, nodding politely, calling the win “not bad, eh,” and immediately shotgunning mid-strength lagers…

Game #2: Bears vs. Hot Wings – Maple Syrup vs. Buffalo Sauce. The Bears came out looking like they had just finished a double-double and a box of Timbits in the parking lot, but Foreman still managed to pot the opener unassisted, probably because he’s the only guy on his team who showed up sober. Hot Wings’ Liam answered back, courtesy of a dish from Michael Li. But just when the Wings started feeling cocky, Ian Medcalf buried one for the Bears to give them a 2-1 lead at the half. Then Liam potted another, this time unassisted—because why pass when you can just dangle your way to glory? Medcalf, in a moment of pure selflessness, decided to personally test the penalty box seating with a tripping call. That’s when Baggsy went full send, first finishing a setup from Tiger and then pulling a me, myself, and I for his second. The Bears responded by… taking another penalty. Selley got two for holding—probably trying to stop the inevitable collapse with a good old-fashioned bear hug. With the Bears on the PK, Michael Peng decided to introduce the puck to the back of the net, and Zoe put the final nail in the coffin off a feed from Liam. At this point, the Bears looked about as threatening as a suburban dad in a Bass Pro Shops hat. This one ended 6-2. Bears might be big and strong, but the Hot Wings crashed the game like Americans at Wal-Mart on Black Friday—loud, obnoxious, and greedy as fuck…

Game #3: Expos vs. Oilers – The French Connection vs. The Texas of Canada. The Expos came out flying, moving the puck like they were late for a snowstorm evacuation drill. JZ struck first off a setup from Larry and Charlie, then Larry decided, “Screw teamwork,” and buried one unassisted—classic Quebecois energy, refusing to rely on anyone else. The Oilers, probably distracted by debating whether Alberta should separate from the rest of Canada, finally got their act together. SSG popped one in off a feed from Scotty, and then Marat cashed in from Lintai. Just when the Oilers thought they had momentum, Expos’ Charlie dangled through traffic like a Montreal driver ignoring lane markings and buried one unassisted. Then JZ tapped in another from Jussi, making it 4-2 at the half, and leaving the Oilers looking more confused than an American reading a hockey standings table and wondering why there are overtime points. In the second period, Jordy lit the lamp off a feed from Tilo, and then SSG, who at this point was carrying his team like an American tourist refusing to ask for directions, buried another off Bird’s setup. Richie then crashed the net and knocked one in from Xinner, because subtlety is for Europeans, and this is beer league hockey. That’s when the penalties started rolling in—Abdu got a high-sticking call, followed by Marat taking a seat in the box, probably arguing that it was a “soft call” like every Canadian who thinks hockey should still be legal assault. Scotty K wasn’t interested in the whining and potted one unassisted, then Lintai joined the party, bringing the game to a dead heat. And just when you thought things couldn’t get more chaotic, Flemmer tied it up, leaving both teams locked at six. Shootout time. Enter Vitaly, who stepped up with the confidence of an American explaining the rules of hockey incorrectly, buried the winner, and sent the Expos home happy. The Expos played with finesse, the Oilers played like a demolition derby, and in the end, it was another classic showdown between the smooth-talking, rule-bending, “we know better than you” Eastern Canadians and the hard-hitting, blue-collar, “shut up and shoot the puck” Prairie boys…

Game #4: Warriors vs. Phantoms – The Most Beer League Win in North America: The Phantoms pulled the most Phantoms move possible—completely disappearing, like an American trying to find Canada on a map. Meanwhile, the Warriors at least had Cap and Norbie show up to ref. Warriors by default. The Phantoms ghosted harder than a Toronto Maple Leafs fan in April, and the Warriors walked away with the easiest dub since the last time an American tried to out-drink a Canadian…

The Only Battle That Matters: The Parking Lot Trophy. Alright, listen up, Yanks and Canucks, it’s time to talk about the real battle. Not some fancy gold medal game or a Stanley Cup final—no, we’re talking about the Parking Lot Trophy, the only prize that truly matters in North American beer league history. Americans and Canadians have been scrapping over this title since 1812, when the Americans figured they could just stroll into Upper Canada (Ontario) and claim it as their 51st state… Spoiler alert: They got absolutely wrecked. In what can only be described as the most beer-league revenge move in history, a bunch of fired-up Canadians (and some Brits) rolled into Washington, D.C., and lit up the White House like it was a Stanley Cup riot. Imagine storming the opponent’s locker room and setting their gear on fire just to prove a point. That’s basically what happened. But hey now, the Parking Lot Trophy isn’t about division, it’s about coming together over bad American beer and a pile of fries smothered in cheese and gravy. And that’s exactly what the boys (and girl) did Sunday night. Hanging out in the dressing room, chirping, blasting tunes, and forging friendships that will last a lifetime (or at least until the next trade war kicks in). The night ended when Rink Guy finally had enough of our nonsense and evicted the remaining Bulls and Expos to the parking lot, where they did what true warriors do: posed for one final selfie, proving that no matter how hard we battle on the ice, or in life, beer league always wins in the end…

You won’t win the Parking Lot Trophy next week…

– The All Seeing Puck