Welcome back, BIIH degenerates and fans around the world. Sunday night, the boys hit the ice looking fresher than Jalen Hurts’ dentist’s paycheck. I know we’ve got a few football nerds floating around the league, and while the Super Bowl is a cute little spectacle, let’s be real, it’s no Peking Cup. That game had its moments, sure, but it wasn’t nearly as thrilling as a Sunday night at the ORG. Halftime show? Please. I’d take Revasaurus at center ice over Kendrick any day. At least that’d have some entertainment value. All punts aside, I’m buzzing harder than a Philly fan greased up and climbing a traffic light to be back for the rest of the 2024/25 BIIH season. Time to run it back, break down the games, and see which squads are actually in contention for the Super Peking Cup Bowl and which ones are just here for the free beer and cardio excuses. Lfg!

First up, the Hot Wings vs. the Oilers, and this one had more heartbreak than Chiefs’ fans watching the Eagles cook them. Liam came out buzzing, burying one off feeds from Zoe and Tiger.. Lintai Li fired back with one from Scotty to keep it even, but then Michael Peng, netted one unassisted. Michael Li followed that up with a shorthanded beauty while Liam was in the box for a questionable outburst, probably still screaming about the “fix being in.” Scotty K then cashed in off SSG and Bird, cutting it to 3-2 at the halftime show. Then came the second half, where George started tossing penalties like an NFL ref desperately trying to keep the Chiefs in the game. Tiger and Liam hooked up for a shorthanded tally, because, much like the Chiefs’ secondary, the Oilers decided covering guys was optional. Then Murat took a timeout in the sin bin for boarding, followed closely by Michael Li for interference. Tiger, playing the Jalen Hurts role to perfection, hit Liam for another one before Baggsy sealed the deal with an unassisted dagger. Final score: Hot Wings 6, Oilers 2—Oilers fans left looking as lost as Chiefs fans realizing Philly finally got their revenge and Taylor Swift couldn’t save them…

Our second matchup of the night had the Bulls taking on the Bears, and much like the Super Bowl, one team came out swinging before getting absolutely steamrolled.The Bears actually showed up for the opening drive, with Jordan ripping one unassisted, proving that at least someone on his team got the playbook memo. Then Vlad cashed in off Jordan’s feed to make it look respectable early. But just like the Chiefs on Sunday, that was about the last time they’d have anything to celebrate. From there, it was all Bulls, running up the score like Philly in the second half while the Bears stood around looking as useless as the Chiefs’ O-line against the Eagles’ pass rush. First, Doc lit the lamp off a feed from Howie and Younger, then Kyosti, who somehow shows up for games more now than when he actually lived in Beijing, sniped one from Savitch and Taboner. After that, Kusy buried one from Georgie, followed by Howie potting one from Malmo and Cooke. By the time Noah drilled the final nail in the coffin, his second of the night, it was clear the Bears had given up faster than Andy Reid throwing out the run game. Final score: Bulls76, Bears 2—Bears players left staring at the scoreboard like Mahomes looking for a ref bailout that never came…

Our third game of the night was an absolute barnburner, with the Warriors and Revs going toe-to-toe like the Eagles and Chiefs, oh wait…. Pavel wasted no time, going full Jalen Hurts and handling business himself, ripping one unassisted to put the Warriors on the board. But the Revs punched back when Chesh finished off a slick feed from Dima, then Dima went full highlight reel and tossed in a filthy Michigan, because apparently, he thought this was the All-Star Skills Competition. Pavel then grabbed a pair. one off Brian Lee and another unassisted. The Warriors’ walk-on, probably still wondering how he ended up in this mess, decided to join the fun and buried one unassisted. But just before halftime, Moose from Dima cashed in, keeping it tight at 4-3 Warriors. Second half? Absolute mayhem. Ander Day got one from Joe for the Warriors, but Dima wasn’t done, because of course he wasn’t, ripping another one unassisted. Big Moose, clearly on a mission, netted another one solo, proving that if the Revs weren’t going to help him, he’d just do it his damn self. Pavel clapped back unassisted before the Warriors’ walk-on (who at this point had fully earned his beer money) knocked in another off a Pavel feed. But the Revs kept pace, with Dima pulling a carbon copy of his earlier goal, followed by Tomas Xu burying one from Dima because sharing is caring. Will Liu kept the Revs rolling, finishing off a sweet setup from Moose, but the Warriors weren’t going quietly. Their walk-on hammered one from Hammer, tying it 8-8 in regulation. With the chaos hitting levels usually reserved for Philly fans flipping cars, this one went to a shootout, where the Warriors iced it, leaving the Revs more crushed than Chiefs fans realizing the Swift-Kelce hype train just derailed…

Our fourth matchup saw the Expos take on the Phantoms, but calling it a “matchup” is generous because the Phantoms were about as visible as Drake’s dignity after Kendrick’s halftime show. Seriously, I imagine they’re handling this loss the same way Drizzy is right now…curled up under a weighted blanket, clutching an old Blackberry, rewatching pre-wheelchair Degrassi episodes, whispering “started from the bottom” through the tears. Drake, if you’re reading this… close the tab, bro. This one goes to the Expos…

Finally, the real Super Bowl…the Parking Lot Trophy. Boys (and girls) were happier to be back than Philly fans watching the Chiefs’ O-line collapse faster than Taylor Swift’s private jet took off after the game. The Parking Lot had all the makings of a true Super Bowl spectacle, beers were flowing, pizza was inhaled, and the performances put on more of a show like Kendrick Lamar’s halftime set leaving Drake curled up in the fetal position somewhere in Toronto. The party raged late into the night in the Bulls’ dressing room. Meanwhile, Rink Guy was nowhere to be found, possibly off on a spiritual journey, or maybe just pulling a Patty Mahomes and choking under pressure. But in the end, the real winners? A Bulls-Expo friendship, because no matter how many breakaways we butcher, leads we cough up, or lungs we torch, we always find redemption in the parking lot, crushing beers like Philly crushed Mahomes’ dreams, talking shit like we just won the damn Lombardi, and ignoring the brutal reality that most of us are one awkward stride away from a career-ending beer league injury…

You won’t win the Parking Lot Trophy next week…

– The All Seeing Puck