I’m back bitches! Did you miss me? Of course you did. You thought you were getting a post weeks ago, but let’s be real, I needed a fucking break from you guys. Watching this league on a weekly basis is exhausting, hell some of you should be paying me hazard pay for the sheer mental toll of witnessing whatever it is you call “backchecking.”

I’ve been watching and look, I’m glad you all enjoyed your little tropical escapes, overpriced vacations, and fancy Chinese New Year celebrations. Nothing like seeing a bunch of beer-leaguers trying to flex with questionable tan lines and vacation beers held at angles meant to hide their mid-season beer bellies. But this Sunday, I expect you back, out of shape, and skating like a guy who spent Chinese New Year crushing hot pot and baijiu.

And what better time to return than the Year of the Snake—which is fitting, because this league is absolutely crawling with them. Snakes on the ice, snakes in the dressing room, and a few snakes who still think they can sell a fake clapper before dishing a muffin into the slot. 

There are five weeks left in the regular season, so buckle up, beauties. The All Seeing Puck is back, and I’m watching.

You won’t win the Parking Lot Trophy this week…

– The All Seeing Puck