Welcome back BIIHers and fans around the world, it’s more than halfway through the BIIH 2024/25 season and once again, the actual hockey takes a backseat to the true drama unfolding: political intrigue. But let’s be clear: nobody cares about who won or lost, those of us with a shred of dignity know that the game itself is an afterthought. No, what matters this week, dear readers, is the shifting power dynamics, the backroom deals, and the unholy alliance that is slowly strangling the very soul of our beloved league. This week, we delve into the high-stakes game of politics that’s overtaking the ORG. So sit tight, folks. The All-Seeing Puck is here to cut through the bullshit and get to the real action. It’s not about goals; it’s about power, and in the BIIH, power means playing a different kind of game altogether. Let’s see who’s really skating by on their own thin ice…
Disclaimer: I am not privy to all BIIHers party affiliations and I assume some of you are non-partisan.
The Anarchist Puck Liberation Front (APLF)
Ideology: Forget the rules, forget the system, and forget anyone who thinks they’re above the pure chaos of a good old-fashioned beer league game. The APLF is a rebellion, a middle finger to the establishment and all the so-called “hockey purists” who think every pass needs to be clean, every shot needs to be accurate, and every penalty needs to be called. This is beer league, not the NHL, and we play by our own set of laws: no rules, just vibes.
Platform:
Embrace the Chaos: Embrace the unpredictability. APLF wants to do away with any semblance of organized play, why bother passing when you can just hurl the puck at the net from anywhere, anytime? Want to hit someone out of nowhere?
Ban Penalties: APLF believes penalties are a myth. Why punish a guy for a sloppy trip when you can just encourage more hits, more collisions, and more general mayhem? Power plays are a capitalist scheme to make the “elite” players feel special. Offside is an artificial concept designed to suppress creativity.
Skate, Don’t Think: APLF believes players should be free to roam wherever the hell they want, cross the blue line, leave the rink, skate into the other team’s bench—just go for it. Why should we limit movement when the true freedom of hockey lies in breaking every damn boundary?
Leader: The All Seeing Puck, Dictator of Disorder.
Party Members: Pekka, Bird, Xinner, Kyle Baker, Flemmer, Howie, Feng Tan, Marat, Savitch, Peebles, Marko, Norbie, Hammer
The Socialist Guardian Goalies (SGG)
Ideology: The Socialist Guardian Goalies (SGG) are the true workers of the BIIH, grinding it out game after game with zero recognition. They’re here for the collective, for the people, and they’re ready to take a slapshot to the face (probably in warmups) if it means keeping the game going for everyone else. While you’re out there trying to score your precious goals, these netminders are putting their bodies on the line. The SGG don’t have a team, they have a movement. It’s a full-on worker’s revolution, and if they have to block 87 shots a game while the rest of you sit back and pretend you’re “playing defense,” so be it.
Platform:
The Collective First: Every save made is a victory for all. The SGG believes that hockey is not about individual accolades, it’s about the people. These goalies don’t want the praise, they want the satisfaction of knowing they’ve kept your sorry ass in the game, even though you’re too busy watching your stats rack up while they’re out there blocking every shot like it’s a goddamn revolution.
Goalie Union: Screw the system. You think the forwards and d-men get all the perks while the goalies just sit there and take pucks to the face for you? Hell no. Pay the people who make the game happen.
Stop Whining, Start Blocking: No more excuses for bad play. Stop blaming the goalie—block the damn puck or shut up.
Leader: Shayzor, General Secretary of the Net
Party Members: Ray, Oli, Aiken, JY, couple of EBUGS
The People’s Bench Party (PBP)
Ideology: While everyone else is busy scrambling for personal glory and pretending like they’re going to the NHL after one decent slapshot, the People’s Bench Party (PBP) is out there keeping it real. These are the guys who don’t need to chase the puck to prove they belong. They’re the team players, the guys who actually understand what it takes to win in a beer league: a solid rotation, constant chirping, and beer. They’re the ones who keep the locker room loose, keep the bench engaged, and, most importantly, make sure there’s always a cold one waiting when you come off the ice. Forget the stats or the highlight-reel goals, the PBP is here for one thing and one thing only: being a goddamn team player. They’ll call you out with savage chirps, but they’ll also be the first to pass you a beer to drown your sorrows.
Platform:
Team Over Ego: The PBP is all about balance. They’ll chirp you for being selfish with the puck, but they’ll also back you up when someone gets a little too rough, and hand you a beer.
Bench Energy is Game Energy: The PBP knows that the energy on the bench is just as important as the energy on the ice. They bring the vibe, and the team feels it.
No One Is Safe From a Good Chirp: Can’t skate? Expect a chirp. Scored a goal? Expect a chirp. The PBP’s job is to keep the mood light and the egos in check, especially the refs.
Leader: Taylor Kelly, Baron Von Bench
Party Members: Vitaly, Asher, Jordy, Scott Young, Scott K, Trav, Eric Selley, Noah, Tilo, Dan Penny, Fily Z, Darcy Day, Crystal, Chesh, Neil, GMoney, Finn, Dima, Andreas, Jussi, Seb, Stefano, Jack, Mikko, Malmo, Chris Hayden, Maradona
The Independent Refs (IR)
Ideology: The Independent Refs (IR) stands for the separation of powers between players and referees, and they refuse to be influenced by fan or player opinion. The IR believes in one thing: complete and utter freedom. Freedom from the rules, freedom from player complaints, and most importantly, freedom from the tyranny of being told how to do their jobs. IR’s idea of fairness is simple: life’s unfair, and so are the calls. These refs don’t bother with explanations; if you don’t like it, tough luck.
Platform:
Unilateral Authority for All: The IR demands the right to rule the rink without interference. They are not beholden to any league governance or player complaints. Their decision is law, and that’s non-negotiable.
Disruption is Democracy: The IR stands for disruption, if the players are comfortable, they’re doing something wrong. Every call is a chance to shake up the status quo.
The Power of the Whistle Shall Not Be Questioned: The IR believe in unquestioned power. The whistle is their weapon of absolute authority, and they will wield it without hesitation.
Leader: Dizzy, Whistle Chairman
Party Members: Bob Xu, Lintai, Richie, Liam, Con, Commish, Georgie, JZ
The Goal Scorers’ Coalition (GSC)
Ideology: The Goal Scorers’ Coalition (GSC) is a party driven by one simple, no-nonsense belief: score more goals, win more games. They believe that if you’re not focusing on the offensive game, then you’re not playing hockey at all. Defense? Overrated. Passing? A waste of time unless it’s leading to a shot. Goals are power. Goals are glory. And every goal is a personal victory, for the player, for the team, and for their ego. Their focus is on creating an offensive juggernaut, where the net is always in sight and the opponent’s defense is an afterthought.
Platform Points:
Shoot First, Pass Never: The GSC firmly believes in puck possession, but only if that possession results in shots on goal. The GSC sees passing as an unnecessary complication. If you’ve got the puck, shoot it, and shoot it hard.
Offense is the Only Defense: In the world of the GSC, defense is optional. They believe that if you can just keep scoring, you’ll never need to worry about defending.
The Net is Our Kingdom: The GSC treats the net like it’s a sacred territory, and they’re its undisputed rulers. They believe the only way to get respect is to control the scoreboard. When they’re on offense, the whole rink exists to feed the puck to the guy who will bury it in the back of the net.
Leader: Jordan Forman, Scorer-in-Chief
Party Members: Kusy, Pavel, Larry, Charlie, Liam, Baggsy, Diener, Alex Oulett, Tiger, Ian Medcalf, Zoe, Will Liu, Tabone, Vlad, SSG, Michael Peng
The Democratic Parking Lots (DPL)
Ideology: Now the only party that matters…The Democratic Parking Lots (DPL) are a party that operates under one simple, unwavering belief: the real victory isn’t on the ice, it’s in the parking lot. These folks know that the game doesn’t end when the buzzer sounds, it ends when everyone’s out of beer and ready to roll into Dirty Tony’s for an after-party that should be considered a national pastime. The DPL is all about sharing the post-game glory with anyone who has the guts to stay around. They firmly believe that the Parking Lot Trophy should be a communal honor, handed out not to the guy who scores the most goals, but to the guy (or gal) who stayed the longest in the lot, drank the hardest, and made sure the team kept the party going after the game. If you showed up for the game, you’re showing up for the after-party, and that’s where the DPL’s true political power lies.
Platform:
No Beer Left Behind: If you leave before the beers are gone, the DPL will oust you. The post-game isn’t a “maybe” event; it’s a mandatory celebration of reckless abandon, and you’d better be in it for the long haul.
We Don’t Care Who Scored, We Care Who Stayed: Stats? They’re irrelevant. The DPL couldn’t give a shit about your goals or assists. What matters is how many beers you’ve cracked, how many laughs you’ve had, and how many times you’ve suggested Dirty Tony’s. If you didn’t stick around, you didn’t win.
The Parking Lot is Our Platform: The DPL knows real power is in the parking lot, where deals are made, stories are exaggerated, and lifelong friendships are cemented, all over an unlimited supply of beer or wine….
Leader: The leadership race continues, Grand Lot Commander
Party Members: Mungo, Commish, Ames, Cuttsy, Alex Moore, JZ, Con, TripleW
You won’t join the Democratic Parking Lots next week…
– The All Seeing Puck