Well, hate to say it BIIH fans around the world, there is no hockey this week. So let’s take this opportunity to meet your BIIH captains, the good, the bad and the ugly…
DISCLAIMER: This is a blend of wild imagination, second-hand gossip, and half-remembered stories. I honestly can’t tell you if any of it is actually true, and I’m not going to fact-check it either. Consider this blog a work of creative speculation…
Selley may not be the loudest Captain, but rest assured, he can get loud when he needs to stand up for his team. Bit of a sweetheart, kind of an asshole, he takes too much liberty when he gets the mic and is arguably the most attention whore captain in the league. Fun fact: Selley’s not just a Captain, he’s also a stand-up comedian…that’s not a punchline. Around the league since 2021, he was a founding captain of the now tragically folded Quacken (RIP ducks). This season he joins his bestie, and Ball Busters co-captain, Trav in leading the always colourful Bears. Selley is known for getting a lot of stitches…and not just on his face
Trav is unapologetically from quite possibly the worst city in Canada and has brought his talents to BIIH since 2017. Trav is infamous for his shotgunning skills, being blind in one eye, and his orange shorts, iykyk. Trav is a glue guy in the dressing room and in the league, everyone has a picture with Trav and his tarp off, and he is arguably the most lovable Captain in the league. He really puts the beer in beer league and may be last in the standings, but number one in our hearts.
Not sure how this guy became a Captain, it’s likely all rugged handsomeness and charm. Jokes aside, Noah is what BIIH is all about, having fun and hanging with the boys (and 3 girls this year!). Joining in 2021, Noah has brought a lot of energy to the league. Everyone has a Noah story…and it shows that he’s arguably the best guy’s guy Captain in the league. Here for a good time, probably a long time now with his new job, lucky to have him, particularly because all the boys’ fashion games have been significantly elevated with Noah’s Arcade (this is most definitely not a paid advertisement/endorsement).
He’s everyone’s favourite hype man and arguably the most enthusiastic Captain in the league. Coach Kus shares his love of the game, coaching all BIIHers to be better players and taking great pleasure in watching people suffer by skating them to the ground. Rumour has it he missed two weeks of the season because he was in the doghouse from mixing up his girlfriend with her twin sister. Regardless, captain of the most fun team in the league, Kusy is expected to dish out more apples this year than your grandma’s pie on Thanksgiving. Check out his new Juice store Juuxi (this is most definitely not a paid advertisement/endorsement).
Richie started with the BIIH at the ripe old age of 16…last year. Famous for never hitting the net, he hits in other aspects of the game, he has nice flow, still has all of his teeth, and sometimes people take him seriously. He designs the most fire jerseys as he wants the team to look as good as he does. With his delicate features, and his perfect face, Richie is arguably the prettiest Captain in the league. Transferring his love of hockey to his job, Richie is the Bauer rep, repping Bauer so hard it’s not even fair (this is most definitely not a paid advertisement/endorsement).
JZ coming in hot as a new Captain for the Sexpos. He brings a lot of encouragement and a lot of small beer, arguably the Captain with the best catchphrase in the league. JZ is a professional coach,
with years of coaching basketball, transferring that energy to the Expos as they slam dunk all their opponents. He’s a locker room guy that loves to bring the team together and occasionally stays out too late and pisses off his wife, sorry Laura. You love him and you hate him because he parks himself in front of the goalie like a Mack truck and then there’s no small beers for goalies…
Bringing his lip lettuce since 2019, Liam has graced the league’s presence with his obsession with ginger ale, his love of Taylor Swift and his ability to be irritatingly good at hockey. A die hard Leafs fan, we are hoping this year for the Peking Cup, he will be like the Leafs at a Stanley Cup Final, a spectator in the stands. Liam continues to test the Commissioner by adding ginger ales to the Murph and to the Peking Cup, earning him the title of arguably the most ginger ale Captain in the league. It’s so concerning, we are all starting to wonder if he has shares in Canada Dry…(this is most definitely not an advertisement/endorsement).
Tiger Gao, arguably, well not arguably, straight up facts, the most handsome Captain in the league. Tiger is famous for being the strong, silent type, and for all the “fans” he brings to the game. But let’s be clear, this guy is not good at everything, as a goalie, his Goals Against Average is 9. That’s neither here nor there, and no one will ever remember his goalie debut… A Champion last year, and BIIH’s “Man of the Year,” every year, Tiger is the guy that really makes the league look good.
It’s a little bit funny that now, we have the Beijing Oilers in the league… must have had something to do with Jordy being a huge fan since a little baby on the plains of Saskatchewan. As arguably the most die hard Captain in the league, Jordy’s banking on having his team win the cup so he can be like the Edmonton Oilers and finish in April…Around since 2021, Jordy is a delight to have in the league, he demonstrates great sportsmanship, and is a team player. He can’t design a jersey to save his life, but maybe better luck next year, like the Edmonton Oilers (this is definitely not an advertisement/endorsement).
Scott is a simple man, he likes Yanjing beer and non exotic food. Arguably the most easy going Captain in the league, he is one of BIIH’s newest Captains being chosen for his calm demeanour, his leadership skills, and the fact that everyone else in the league is a degenerate. He came to us last season where he had 26 points and also put on a show when he passed out mid air, got a ton of stitches, and managed to stick around to tell the story. While it pains him to represent a Canadian team, (he doesn’t even know where Edmonton is), he’s taking it in stride and pulling together a slick Oiler’s team that is in the running.
Filly Z is the guy that texts you late night to meet up for a beer. For Filly Z, this is a beer league where we occasionally play hockey. Loved by his teammates, Filly Z is arguably the most beauty Captain in the league. He shows up every week, surprised he has to play a game, waiting to drink beers in the locker room with his teammates. He makes us all jealous we are not a Rev, except for when we watch them do suicides after the game…Filly IS BIIH, Filly IS Beijing, and it wouldn’t be the same without him…
Chesh, Chesh, Chesh, where do we even start? Maybe the league figured we needed an old man to supervise? Jokes aside, Chesh has been a solid player around since pre-Covid, and has revolutionized being a BIIH Captain. He’s most definitely a pest, arguably the dirtiest Captain in the league. The saying goes, reffing is easy! When Chesh is on the ice, put him in the box. Like him when he is on your team, hate him when you’re playing against him, love him in the dressing room. Our favourite Dad, we are all hoping Chesh will adopt us…
Let’s go Neil “Real Deal” Wescott. Neil holds a grudge like we try to hold onto our dreams of going to the NHL…You’d fault him for being delusional last year finishing last and thinking they had a chance, but wow did they make a run. Neil is arguably the most optimistic Captain in the league. Picking a team that looks sub par, with no chemistry, he turns it into a championship worthy contender. Neil is the annoying authority figure in your life that urges you to live up to your potential. You hate him, but you know he has a point…
WesWesWes has been kicking around the league since 2016. A former goalie in a past life, he now stands (kind of tall) as a defenseman and Captain for the Warriors. Once known as the Asian guy with dreads, he’s showing up lighter and faster than he ever has. Rumour has it, Wes got his nickname after signing his name three times…Wes is a BIIH community guy, making multiple appearances in the Parking Lot late into the night. Arguably the most gongshow Captain in the league, Triple W brings to the league what the Mainland is missing…
We all know goalies are weird and Shayzor is the weirdest. Leading the Guardians as the backbones of the league, he stacks them up as pretty good guys. Shay is a league guy, he proves he can skate by reffing a couple games… but we all know goalies can’t skate. Jokes aside, Shay is arguably the most defensive captain in the league, stopping more pucks than BIIHer’s stop hearts.
Commish needs to post these anonymous submissions so… arguably the best community captain in the league. He’s just the best, the most handsome and looks so young. Everyone wants him on his team and everyone wants to be him. He’s tall, handsome, funny, and a good public speaker. Clearly the best thing that has happened to BIIH since it’s started.
I just want to end this week with this great BIIH quote from last year: “It’s a long season and I’m watching all of you, and I see some talent. Some of you… one of you will be the new Dart Ross. I cheer for all of you.”
You won’t win the Parking Zone next week…
– The All Seeing Puck