*Highly recommended to play “Eye of the Tiger” while reading

Ding ding! Welcome back to the rink BIIHers and fans across the world to another Sunday night where every washed-up “champ” in the BIIH laced up their skates, pulled on their jerseys with faded glory, and stepped onto the ice to do battle like they were stepping into the ring. It’s fight night at the ORG. The lights were dim, the smell of beer was strong, and the boards were rumbling. Every goal? That’s an uppercut. Every assist? A one-two combo in the neutral zone. Lace up, tape up, and take a seat… the All Seeing Puck is about to break down those that fought like champions, those that went down swinging, and those still standing in the Parking Zone like Rocky on the Philly steps. ‘Yo, BIIHers…you did it!’

On Fight Card #1, in a rematch as legendary as Balboa vs. Creed, the Revs took on the Expos to kick off the night. Richie opened things up with a quick wrap-around, assisted by Xiner, like Rocky landing the first quick jab. Moose then came in for the Revs, scoring with such a massive celebration you’d think he’d just gone 15 rounds with Apollo and came out the heavyweight champion of the world. Taylor Kelly then slipped one to Will and Chesh gets one from Maradona. At the half, the Revs were up 3-1, looking like they were ready to ‘eat lighting and crap thunder’ for the rest of the night. But the Expos? They knew better to throw in the towel. There was no underdog too small, no beer belly too round, to make a comeback as Fleming flicked one in quick from Jussi and Ames. Andreas Newuman joined the fight with his first BIIH career goal, looking like a young Rocky, eyes full of fire. Maradona then stole another punch for the Revs. Richie, not letting his Expos go down without a fight, scored the tying goal and we headed into extra rounds. In the end, it was a killer one-two punch from Kelly and Jack that clinched it for the Revs, delivering the final blow with the power of a southpaw left hook proving that ‘it ain’t over till it’s over..’

*Note: This would have been the Revs POG, but they didn’t do one so…

Fight #2 featured the Bears and the Oilers on the marquee. This one started out with the intensity and finesse of a heavyweight championship bout, staying scoreless for most of the first half. Thirteen minutes in Alex Ouellet, from Feng Tan, scored on a breakaway so inspiring it was worthy of a Rocky montage. The Oilers had too much heart, not enough brain, when they got a penalty for too many men and Murat was sent to the box. Jordan Forman then tore through the Oilers like they were nothing but punching bags and scored one unassisted. We then see Oiler’s Tilo from Shaogang Shi and it’s 2-1 in favour of the Oilers at half. The Bears came out in the second like Clubber Lang on a rampage, and Bob slammed one home so fast you could practically hear him growling, ‘I pity the fool’ who got in his way. Medcalf knocks one out from Vlad and Selly, then Selly from Yushon with 20 minutes remaining in the round, it’s 4-2 Bears. The Oilers, looking like they had taken a few too many blows to the head, tried to mount a desperate comeback with Tilo landing another, but it was clear—‘Ain’t gonna be no rematch.’ This one closed out 5-3 Bears, leaving the Oilers staggering off the ice, wondering just how they went down like that .As Rocky once said, ‘It’s not about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward,‘ but tonight, the Bears were the ones moving forward…

For the third fight of the night, the Hot Wings squared up against the Warriors, both teams ready to go the distance. Hambrook goes straight to the sin bin for tripping, but when the fans (all 3 of them) thought he was down, he came back swinging and buried one from Pavel. Pavel threw one in himself before getting sent to the penalty box for roughing. With Pavel sidelined, Pekka slipped one in from Tiger. The eye of the Tiger, unsatisfied with his mediocre stats, slinks one in off the draw from Baggsy. Both teams weren’t pulling any punches and it’s 2-2 at the break. 30 seconds into the 2nd, Neil the Real Deal gets one from Triple. WesWesWes is back at it like he’s defending the honour of his late friend Apollo Creed…or maybe just Neil, but either way, he was throwing punches like he was in the fight of his life. Tiger slips one like a jab from Michael Peng and then Baggsy from Tiger. Hambrook looked like Rocky in his prime scoring two more for the Warriors. 60 year-old Neil looked like Rocky chasing down a chicken as he flew by Maketh at the fastest we’ve ever seen him in awhile. At the other end, Liam misses a break away and hits the boards like he was chasing an icing two years ago. The Warriors take a timeout with 3:41 left on the time clock. Baggsy took this time to throw up on the ice, not from drinking, but from expired ginger ale sitting in the Murph from last season. Neil from Mark Mungo tied it up with 1:30 left and we headed into extra rounds. The atmosphere was as icy as the Cold War, East vs. West, standing toe to toe for three rounds until Baggsy throws the final punch. And just like Drago in the final round, the Warriors were staggered, stunned, and down for the count while the Hot Wings were thinking ‘if he dies, he dies…’

The consolation fight was the Bulls vs. the Phantoms, a real undercard brawl. Not a lot of Bulls to be seen, rumour has it they’re in Bangkok. However, Commish hung in there like Rocky in the late rounds, ‘I ain’t hear no bell.’ In a split decision from the All Seeing Puck, I’ll give this one to the Bulls…

Alright, BIIHers, it’s the match you’ve all been waiting for, the only reason you bought tickets to the show—the night’s main event… The Parking Lot Trophy. This was a grueling battle, with BIIHers going round after round, ‘one more round’—a relentless effort, like going the distance in a fight that never seems to end. They were like Rocky training in Siberia, using nothing but what was available around them— their own body weight— to train and become the Heavyweight Champions of the Parking Zone. Mungo, Commish, Ames, WesWesWes, Con, and even Neil showed it’s all guts and no glory. The Puck swore Con even said, ‘except for my kid being born, this is the greatest night in the history of my life.’ At some point, rink guy came in and said ‘my ring’s outside.’ So BIIHers moved it outside and at some point made it to Dirty Tony’s for what I can only imagine was raw egg yolks. Now…the All Seeing Puck notices a lot of the same punchy faces in the Parking Zone… and ‘I’m not getting killed, I’m getting mad!’ I’m looking around here, and some of you are ‘so very good’, and some of you are ‘so very bad.’ I’m looking for a new heavyweight champion of the Parking Lot so I’ll leave you with this…’if i can change, and you can change, everybody can change…”

You won’t win the Parking Zone next week…

– The All Seeing Puck