Welcome back BIIHers and fans around the world! Sunday night served up to be a special one as our very own owner of BIIH’s favourite internet cafe—oh wait, I mean pizza place—Asher, played his 100th game with the Hot Wings! Beer league hockey is like ordering pineapple on pizza: chaotic, divisive, and weirdly satisfying. For the All Seeing Puck, every BIIHer brings a unique flavour to the ice, from the spicy try-hards who think they are NHL bound (could name a lot of you, but I’m feeling nice), to the limp crusts who couldn’t hit the net if it was delivered next door (Richie). In honour of Asher’s contribution to the league as a player, a sponsor, and a source of free wifi, let’s slice into some action, roast some egos, and see who served up a winner and who got delivered straight to the trash…
Game #1 served up a greasy slice of hockey chaos as the Revs faced off against the Warriors in a matchup that had all the finesse of a microwave pizza. Pavel got the Warriors rolling early, flying solo and burying one unassisted just five minutes in. Not long after, Neil stuffed one in like it was an all-you-can-eat buffet, served up by Hambrook. Then, with 20 minutes left in the half, OK Wang decided to go full deep dish, racking up two cheesy goals from Mungo and Hammer and again from Mungo. Hammer really sliced the competition as he picked one up from Shuai just before the half. The second half had us seeing double thick crust with Wes scoring two from Pavel and then Jack picking up two from Vitali for the Revs. Chesh slides one more in but this one ends 7-3 in flavour of the Warriors. The Revs tried to rise, but ultimately looked more like a burnt out crust than a team and this one had the Warriors really delivering the goods…
The Bulls and the Bears hit the ice in Game #2 looking as stiff as frozen pizza. Scott Young scored the first for the Bulls 16 minutes in. Then we have Taboner from Young and Howard. Cuttsy then scored his first of the night from Taboner. The Bears, bless their soggy crusts, managed a single crumb with Finn scoring from Forman to make it 3-1 at the half. But that was about as competitive as they got. The second half turned into a buffet for Cuttsy, who devoured two more goals, served hot by Savitch and Kusy. Kusy joined the feast, scoring one from Young and Howard, and Taboner decided to show off with an unassisted goal, because why not? Because you shouldn’t run up the score Bulls… Cuttsy buried his fourth slice of the night from Taboner, reminding everyone that even a cold, leftover pizza can still hit the spot once in a while… Baker then picks up another from Taboner who’s handing out apples like they’re free strombolis. At some point, Forman was pissed he wasn’t adding to his stats and whacked Scott Young in the mouth rattling what teeth Younger has left. The Bears threw in one soggy slice when Selley scored one from Penny. Final score: 10-2, Bulls. The Bears? They got roasted, toasted, and stuffed in the trash, where Hawaiian pizza belongs unless it had jalapenos on it. Better luck next time, crusty crew…
Game #3 started with the Hot Wings honouring Asher Gillespie for his 100th game, because apparently, playing for this team for that long is worth celebrating instead of questioning. 100 games with the Hot Wings? Someone needs to check on Asher to make sure he’s not being held against his will—blink twice if you need help, bud. The Hot Wings took on the Oilers and Tiger scored early for the Wings off a feed from Liam, but the Oilers hit back with Tan Feng from Scott K, followed by Alex from Scott K on the power play. Derek Worral answered unassisted before the break, tying things up like a sad order of breadsticks with no dipping sauce. Diener scored one unassisted followed by Tiger from Zoe. Liam adding another slice was enough for the Oilers to burn a timeout and probably order some pizza on the bench and eat their feelings. Tilo managed to score one from Alex, but the Hot Wings iced it with Zoe from Baggsy. Final score: 6-3. The Oilers looked like a hot girl ordering Tube Station at the end of the night, wrong, messy and completely falling apart. As for the Wings? Congrats on the win, but let’s not pretend Asher’s loyalty to this squad isn’t Stockholm Syndrome at this point…
Game #4 had the Expos facing off against the Phantoms. The night kicked off at Pie Squared but let’s be real, the Expos should spend every Sunday night there or ask Asher for a job as they’re likely better at handling pizza than hockey sticks. The Expos then ran the clock and refed with more competence than they’ve ever managed on the ice. I’ll give this one to the Expos, they are in desperate need of a win…
Finally, the ultimate slice, the one that you’re craving when you’re stumbling out of Bacardi or Beersmith alone, questioning your life choices…The Parking Zone Trophy. Let’s face it, some of you BIIHers are really leaning into that vibe, stuffing yourselves with enough beer and pizza to look like you’re prepping for a winter hibernation. The Hot Wings’ cooler was as depressing as watching Liam eat pizza alone on a Saturday night—sad and empty. BIIHers rallied on with the new dressing room curfew of midnight. Rink guy, obviously hangry, kicked everyone to the Parking Lot… calm down and eat a slice, bro. Cuttsy and Richie sprinted but as with most things in BIIH, results were suspiciously “tampered” and the promise of a rematch looms. The cold Beijing air proved to have the losers dropping like flies…Parking Zone staples bailed quicker than girls on Draft Night. In the end, the Expos (yes, the team that loses more than a kuaidi with no GPS) and the Bulls stumbled their way to the crown, with Cuttsy and Ames logging a shameful 12:30 a.m. finish. Come on, BIIHers, this is the kind of amateur hour that makes the All Seeing Puck consider retiring. Tighten it up, or next time you’ll be battling over cold crusts and warm beer instead of trophies…
You won’t win the Parking Zone next week…
– The All Seeing Puck
