Alright, BIIHers and fans around the world (all four of you who aren’t dating a player or bribed with free beer), welcome back for more BIIH related content. Sunday night’s games were… well, fine. But let’s be clear, The All-Seeing Puck doesn’t give a shit about your goals, assists, or how the refs have it out for you. I know you go home after the game, sweaty and delusional, like “you should have seen me out there tonight, babe!” Some of you probably still think an NHL scout is going to wander into the rink one day and be like, “Wow, those three missed slapshots are exactly what the Leafs need.” Now, I can’t sit idly by while your egos swell like your beer bellies. So it’s time for a reality check: welcome to the Fantasy BIIH Draft, where I pick players based on the nonsense I witness both on and off the ice. BUT let’s be clear, I don’t want to pick any of you losers at this point. Consider this your weekly roast, grab a seat, tighten your chin strap (Charlie), and try not to cry too hard when I tell you you’re more of a liability than an asset…

Round One: The Trash Talkers

Let’s cut the bullshit, none of you muffins can chirp like the All-Seeing Puck. But since every squad needs a mouthpiece, I’ve got to pick someone who can at least string together an insult without sounding like they still live in their mom’s basement. Spoiler: you all made this harder than watching Richie try to hit an open net.

Here is the shitshow I’m working with:

• Alex Ouelette: Big talk in the group chat but goes mute at the rink like he’s in some kind of silent retreat. Have you even opened your mouth this season, Alex? If you’re gonna chirp, maybe start by talking. -3 
• Forman: King of retroactive excuses. Doesn’t chirp anyone directly, just goes home to brainstorm reasons for his lack of points. You’re not fooling anyone, bud. -5, because self-pity isn’t a skill.
• Schwartz: The king of countdown roasts, a legend among chirpers… who moved to Mexico.-10 thanks for abandoning the league. Enjoy your tequila asshole…
• Ames: Tried to follow in her old Captain’s footsteps, talks too much about Taylor Swift and is annoying -2

We all know who the real MVP is here. It’s my fucking draft, so I’m picking myself first overall. There’s no competition, just a bunch of BIIHers chirping like a group of women over brunch. So yeah, the number one trash-talker is me. Don’t like it? Suck it…

Round Two: The Beer Guy
This is beer league people! Don’t think I’m not keeping tabs on who’s stocking the squad and who’s just freeloading. I see you. I see your choices, your effort (or lack thereof), and, yes I see those goddamn ginger ales.This pick is about more than just bringing beer; it’s about bringing dignity to the cooler, and most of you are kind of pathetic…

Let’s review the lineup:

• Alex Moore: Doesn’t bring beer but will waimai them to the ORG. Sure, +2 for effort, but that ponytail? It’s not coming on my team.
• Scotty K: Generous enough to offer a beer, but it’s a damn Yanjing. Might as well drink ginger ale with the Hot Wings…. +1, but barely.
• Fleming: Occasionally contributes his dad’s homebrew, which somehow manages to taste worse than Keystone Light. Seriously, if I wanted bad U.S. beer, I’d drink PBR -3 for poisoning the squad.
• Phil Chen: has the audacity to show up to the rink, not play, and mooch beer like it’s a charity event..-6 and someone check his pockets on the way out…

Now, among this pack of freeloading degenerates, there’s one player who somehow manages to rise above the garbage heap. He’s the King of Small Beers, the one guy you can count on to keep the cooler stocked even when the team plays like absolute dogshit. This GM knows the value of resource management, and with him on the roster, I’ll never have to suffer the humiliation of staring into an empty cooler while you clowns cry about your plus/minus. So, the All-Seeing Puck selects JZ as the Beer Guy. He’s clutch when it comes to supply, but let’s not sugarcoat this, he’s 100% tradeable the second a better deal rolls in. A guy like him is a dime a dozen, and loyalty isn’t part of my playbook. For now, though? You’re in, JZ. Don’t fuck it up.

Round Three: The Whiners

This round is for the whiners, the absolute plugs who cry about everything, from a bad bounce to the fact the rink’s too cold for their delicate little feelings. These are the assholes who hit the ice like they’ve been shot by a sniper every time someone even looks at them, then whine to the refs like they’re trying to land a role in a Christmas movie These assholes are so annoying, people leave the Parking Lot early just to avoid their goddamn whining. 

Let’s break it down:

• Mungo: Complains about the scorekeepers, the refs, and—get this—his stats not being updated on the website. Hey, Mungo, this isn’t your personal fantasy league. You’d be a top pick if you weren’t from Toronto—gross. -3, because you’re annoying and Canadian.
• Pekka: +3 for diving better than the Chinese at the Olympics, lives too far, not consistent enough for this GM.
• Murat: This isn’t a fucking spelling bee…
• Tiger: whines a whole lot for someone whose team wins a lot of games (IDGAF by if your team wins by the way) If I wanted to hear bitching, I’d just talk to my girlfriend -5.
• Baggsy: Whining, puking, repeating. Pretty much sums up BIIH on a Saturday night at Bacardi’s, minus the dignity. If there’s one thing I don’t need on this squad, it’s a liability. -3, and don’t even think about bringing that nonsense to the rink.

But let’s get to the top pick. The one who really stands out in the Whiner round. No one, and I mean no one, does it better than Richie. This guy could take a call that’s so clean it’s practically sterile and turn it into an Oscar winning performance. He whines to the refs like they personally ran over his dog, set his house on fire, and stole his girlfriend. Bonus points for the infamous “fucking horseshit reffing” video, instant classic.

Round Four: The Chaos Pick
Every squad needs a wild card, the kind of player who brings the spice, stirs the pot, and keeps the rink buzzing with drama like a swarm of drunk girls. The All-Seeing Puck isn’t here for boring, consistent performers; I’m here to draft pure, unfiltered chaos. These are the people who turn hockey into high-stakes reality TV. Here’s the breakdown:

• Moose: Group chat nightmare fuel. Half the time, I’m not even sure this guy knows he’s playing hockey. Chaos personified, but potential waiver fodder because there’s a thin line between “wild card” and “what the actual fuck.”
• Chesh: A walking off-ice nuisance with an arsenal of dirty jokes that would make a pirate blush. Sure, he’s a +2 for laughs, but let’s not kid ourselves, this guy’s skating days peaked when flip phones were cool. I don’t draft memories; I draft winners, and Chesh is just yesterday’s beer league warm-up act.
• Maradona: Fired up for the Dart Ross Trophy., His real talent lies off the ice, mangling English sentences and pounding baijiu like it’s water. Hilarious? Yes. Reliable? Hell no. Haven’t seen him in forever, which makes me miss his train wreck energy even more. -3 for vanishing like my sobriety at a BIIH party.

The undisputed first pick of round four is LIam. Watching Liam on skates is like watching a bad car crash, you just can’t look away. His big mouth spreads drama faster than a beer league GM deleting receipts. Off the ice, he’s a one-man circus the moment ginger ale isn’t an option. A living legend of bad decisions and incredible entertainment.

The Only Round That Matters
Let’s not kid ourselves, this is the only draft pick that truly counts. Forget the goals and the stats, I’m talking about the Parking Lot Champion, the true heart and soul of BIIH. This position isn’t just about showing up; it’s about showing out. No passports are being stamped on Monday morning for this squad, just empty cans and questionable life choices.

There’s been some fierce competition this year, so let’s break it down:

• Cuttsy gets a +2 for finally outracing Guillaume (though, let’s be real, Guillaume was probably too hungover to try). But I’m docking -1 for that sweater last week—it looked like he mugged Pekka’s grandfather.
• Guillaume, speaking of, would have been a solid +4, but he’s mysteriously AWOL, probably negotiating a group discount at a brothel in Bangkok. Injury reserve it is.
• Connor? Sure, he’s had a few good showings in the zone, but let’s not forget, he’s a ref. That’s an automatic -5 for being the human equivalent of a delayed penalty. He also dropped a can of Snus instead of the puck last week.
• Ames has shown flashes of brilliance. Unfortunately, her annoyingness gives her a solid -3. Too much yapping for this GM to handle.
• Commish: Week after week, this guy is putting up elite stats in the Parking Zone. His  95% Dirty Tony’s Attendance Rate is practically Hall of Fame-worthy, but he’s still the Commish -4. 

The All-Seeing Puck makes its pick, and it’s the obvious choice… You didn’t think I’d let you off that easy did you? We are halfway through the season…grow up and start winning the fucking Parking Zone…

You won’t win the Parking Zone next week…

– The All Seeing Puck