Alright BIIHers and fans around the world, I’ve been lurking in the group chat lately… and it’s honestly concerning. Some of you still don’t get it. Still talking about the Peking Cup like it matters. Still convincing yourselves that Saturday is about glory, legacy, rings… whatever fantasy you need to sleep at night. I’m here to tell you – snap the f*ck out of it.

Yes, I mentioned the Peking Cup on Monday. That wasn’t analysis. That was chirping. I do not care who wins it. Deep down, neither do you. You just haven’t admitted it yet. Because everyone who’s been around longer than one bad backcheck knows the truth: The GanBei Cup is the only thing that matters. Now, clearly, some of you need a history lesson.

Back in the day, the Commish and the captains were posted up at the IV, beers deep, solving problems the only way this league knows how: poorly, and with confidence. They realized something. Single elimination playoffs? Brutal. You lose once and that’s it. Season over. But then what? You still drink. Because that’s the actual point of BIIH playoffs.

So in 2015, in a moment of either brilliance or complete intoxication, they created the GanBei Cup. A second chance. A redemption arc. A reason for the losers to keep playing… and more importantly, to keep the beers flowing. They found a trophy in a dusty bin at the IV- and I use that term loosely – its a random relic that literally says “2015 Third Place China Floorball Championship” on it. It barely fits in your hand. Which, coincidentally, makes it the perfect size to take a shot from. Tradition secured.

Legend has it, a few years later, the Bulls got their hands on it. Absolutely hammered. Parading it around like they just conquered the league. Chest out. Zero awareness. And something beautiful happened. People started wanting it. Not because they understood it… but because they didn’t. Some thought it was the third place cup. Others didn’t ask questions. Everyone was too drunk to fact-check. And just like that, the myth grew.

Let me be clear: winning the GanBei Cup sober is a sin. So this Saturday, while some of you are out there pretending to chase greatness… the real ones know. The real battle starts after the loss. So sit back, crack a beer, and let me explain why you should all be fighting like hell… to lose your way straight into the GanBei Cup.

Bulls

Let’s start with the Bulls… and honestly, would you guys chill the f*ck out?

You’ve been wound tighter than a BIIHer white-knuckling his stick in OT at ORG, and it’s getting uncomfortable for the rest of us to watch.

Fleming’s been on Kusy’s playoff diet since opening night, looking like he’s been preparing for a weigh-in, not a hockey game. I’m genuinely concerned about Ian Medcalf’s blood pressure at this point, and word around the room is Marat straight up faked a basketball injury just to escape the pressure.

Savy’s out here reffing games under the guise of “scouting,” Baker has stopped painting entirely like hobbies are now a competitive disadvantage, and Bachor’s been visualizing lifting the cup so aggressively he’s basically been using his kids as practice reps.

Even Hanssen has shown up for a record number of games this season, which should honestly trigger a league-wide wellness check.

Kyosti’s out here spending what looks like his entire life savings just to make every game, Noah’s so locked in he’s accidentally been calling his newborn “Peking Cup,” and Boner and Lintai are checking in with each other daily like this is a long-distance relationship they’re trying to save.

Meanwhile, Moose is lying awake at night muttering “I love the Bulls” in his sleep and wondering why his marriage is suddenly on the penalty kill.

This isn’t healthy. This isn’t sustainable. So for your own mental stability, do the right thing. Blow your first game, crack a beer, and bring the GanBei Cup back where it belongs.

Because right now, you don’t need a championship.

You need help.

Expos

I’m not even sure the Expos need advice on how to chase the GanBei Cup. Let’s be honest, there’s a very real chance you’re half-cut before your skates are even tied. Last year the dressing room looked like an open bar at a 300-person wedding, and nothing suggests that’s changing.

Richie usually doesn’t drink because he’s only 16, but it’s time to bear down and take a few back. Might finally solve that whole “can’t hit the net for shit” problem.

Meanwhile, Vitaly has to prepare for this moment like it’s the Olympics, stockpiling Vasenin vodka, and Finn needs to drink so much of that vodka he comes out of the room speaking fluent Russian.

Diener is not a big drinker… I need him to think back to the exact moment he found out he got drafted to the Expos and drink to forget that feeling.

Big Dima and Norbie need to be drunk enough that they’re seeing triple, and their saucer passes actually hit the one in the middle.

And Sasha? He needs to lock in to coach the boys through how to breathe properly while putting back 90 proof like it’s a team drill.

Ames should be deep enough into it that she’s in the Parking Lot by the end of the first period. Taylor Kelly, meanwhile, needs to show international solidarity, drinking from afar while hunting down a livestream like it’s classified intel.

Easton should be so sauced he ends up on his back, playing shitty goaltender for another GanBei contender and calling it “team support.” And Shay… Shay might be the weak link here, given he doesn’t drink.

But let’s be real, there’s only one guy on this team who actually deserves the celebratory drink, and that’s Dima for carrying this entire operation on his back.

So do the right thing.

Lean into it, embrace the chaos, and go win it. One small beer and one small cup for the Expos.

Revs

Unlike the Expos, the Revs don’t just want a drink… they need one.

At this point, the GanBei Cup might actually be medical treatment.

We all know Filly Z is operating at peak performance when he’s slightly tipsy, fully capable of falling asleep at the rink, waking up, and seamlessly continuing the party like nothing happened.

George, on the other hand, prefers to keep it classy with a glass of expensive wine… which, somehow, only makes him sharper. It’s concerning.

Michael Wang could probably wash down the weight of expectations with a cold Yunnan beer, while Charlie has already proven that a bunch of baijiu isn’t a limitation… considering he once did that and casually dropped four goals like it was nothing.

Wei Lei loosens up with a few beers and the infamous Wei Lei chant echoing in the background, and you just know Malmo has been dreaming of the moment he gets to drink straight out of the GanBei Cup like it’s a life goal.

I once heard Andrew Baggett confidently list every type of Coca-Cola he enjoys, so Baggsy… let’s evolve a little. Throw some rum in there and see what happens.

Yang Xu, I’ll be honest, I don’t know you that well… but you strike me as a “post-game Asahi in the room” kind of guy. Feels right.

Vlad and Dad… I’m not even going to get involved there. That’s firmly in Dad’s hands. He’ll set the parameters, Vlad will follow orders. System works.

And finally, Darcy D.E.A.D.A.D… you can just picture it now. GanBei Cup in hand, cold beer going down, soaking in the sweet, sweet victory like it was always meant to be.

Because for the Revs, this isn’t about letting loose. It’s about finally learning how.

Bears

Come on Bears… you guys are the lovable team. The heart. The warmth. A full-on Bear Hug, if you will.

You’ve got adorable Trav skating around in his “Beary Thirsty” jersey like a walking Valentine’s card, and Selley out here channeling all his love into gently throwing his equipment at the ice instead of at other players. Growth.

Scott Young is lovingly yelling at his teammates to do their best like a proud dad at a school recital, while Ian Wilkinson is like a little boy discovering the newfound joy of hockey.

Then you’ve got Andrew and Alex Ouellet, whose chemistry is so intense it’s borderline romantic. Honestly, if they’re not finishing each other’s sentences in the room, I’d be shocked.

Greg Brown is holding it down on the blue line as the team’s emotional backbone, cheering everyone on with encouragement and what I can only assume are proud, slightly misty eyes, while OK and Victor Wang are just happy to be out there with the boys, living their best lives shift by shift. And really, who can blame them?

Mikko might as well have “Yhdessä kanssasi on suosikkipaikkani” tattooed across his face at this point, and DP has been preaching peace and love like he’s trying to single-handedly fix the league’s vibes.

This isn’t a team. This is a support group with better jerseys.

So let’s lean all the way into it. Keep the love flowing, keep the vibes high, and go win yourselves a GanBei Cup the wholesome way.

Warriors

Seems those green jerseys have been doing the heavy lifting all season, full-on Luck of the Irish. Cute. But if the Warriors actually want to hoist the GanBei, they’re going to need things to go sideways.

Good news, Mark Mungo already got the ball rolling by putting his hands on the Peking Cup before playoffs… bold strategy, we’ll see how that plays out.

What they need now is the right kind of bad luck. The kind where Jan, Jussi, and Marko go hunting for a bottle of mintu for the boys… and it’s gone. Just gone. A tragedy in three Finnish acts.

Or the kind where Tony shows up completely sober, like a man who’s made several life choices and regrets all of them. Andrei forgets he’s twice the size of everyone else and plays like he’s trying not to bump into furniture. TripleWes hits the rack and somehow stalls out at 295, staring at that last 5 lbs like it personally insulted his family.

You want real chaos? Tan Feng and SSG rolling in late on Saturday, no warm-up, vibes only. Tilo stepping on Murphy for what feels like the millionth time, Murphy just accepting it as part of his spiritual journey at this point.

That’s the kind of bad luck that flips things. The kind that makes no sense, feels terrible in the moment… and somehow ends with the Warriors stumbling their way straight into the GanBei Cup.

Hot Wings

Hot Wings… for you, peace only comes the moment you stop believing. Seriously. Let it go. Throw the hope out the window, close the door behind it, and go chase what’s actually yours. Because history has already shown you how this works.

Liam stopped believing he was going to grow taller and just accepted his height… and honestly, he’s been more at peace ever since.

Little Sergey and Zoe stopped believing they were surrounded by mature adults and embraced the reality of what this league actually is… and suddenly everything made a lot more sense.

Kevin stopped believing his hair was coming back and leaned fully into the backwards hat life… arguably his best look yet.

Tiger stopped believing in his EBUG career the moment he let in 9 that one time, and frankly, that was a healthy turning point for everyone involved.

Mark Richardson finally stopped believing this league was about “good hockey” and accepted that it’s actually about drinking beers… and you could see the weight lift off his shoulders instantly.

Asher stopped believing he’d ever have a full bench and just accepted that, yes, he will in fact be playing with only four forwards… again.

Big Sergei stopped believing that bringing in Russian fish would somehow boost team morale… turns out that wasn’t the missing piece.

Jacob Cooke stopped believing his Aeroplan points were worth the pilgrimage to Beijing for Sunday night hockey… a tough realization, but an important one.

Lance and Harry? They didn’t just stop believing… they peaced out entirely. Clean break. Respect.

Futerman stopped believing his leg was going to fully heal and that his wife would stop being mad at him for breaking it… and honestly, that’s two battles no man should fight at once.

And Ben Begley… tragically… stopped believing in the Loch Ness Monster. Some losses hit harder than others.

So take the hint. The second you stop believing in the Peking Cup… that’s when you finally become dangerous.

That’s when you become yourselves.

That’s when the GanBei Cup comes into play.

Oilers

If the Hot Wings need to stop believing… the Oilers need to start.

Because right now, your defending GanBei champs are sitting on the edge of greatness, they just need to convince themselves they actually belong there.

This is a belief issue.

Scotty K needs to believe he can make it through a game without some gruesome, league-wide group chat injury update that makes everyone physically recoil.

Jordy needs to believe it’s not completely insane to keep cheering for the Edmonton Oilers after years of emotional damage… because the Beijing Oilers are not about to do him like that. Probably.

Bob Xu needs to keep believing that the reffing sucks. Not question it. Not reflect on it. Just stay locked in.

Cuttsy needs to believe that one day, somehow, some way, he will beat Ames in the scoring race. It doesn’t have to be realistic, it just has to be believed.

Xinner needs to believe in due process. No notes.

Joe Zhang needs to believe that Phobos (Joe Jr), is on a direct path to the NHL, because honestly, why aim lower?

Abdu and Andreas need to believe that eventually they will connect on the perfect pass and not just continue this ongoing social experiment in near-misses.

Alex Moore needs to believe that one day, people will actually pay him back for the beers… and the snus… and everything else he’s been generously floating for years.

Howie needs to believe he can rush the puck and still make it back to play defense. Timing is optional. Belief is not.

That’s all it takes.

A little belief, a little delusion, and suddenly you’re right back where you belong… lifting the GanBei Cup like it was inevitable all along.

Guardians

The Guardians are just one step away from the GanBei Cup.

Well… one step, plus seven other teams not completely screwing this up.

Because let’s be honest, their path to glory depends on everyone else fully committing to the bit, losing that first game like it’s part of a carefully executed master plan, not just beer league chaos.

This isn’t about winning. It’s about losing correctly. With intention. With pride. With a complete disregard for basic competitive instincts.

So go on, lean into it. Shank the breakout. Miss the open net. Ice the puck like you’ve never heard of possession. Do your part.

Bring back the legends. Bring back the lore.

Because nothing says GanBei Cup champions quite like a team that got there by watching everyone else absolutely fumble it first.

You won’t win the Parking Lot… I mean the GanBei Cup on Saturday.

-The All Seeing Puck